What do you do all day?

That same question has angered, overwhelmed, confused, and upset me, all at the same time. I haven’t written in a long time because I’ve been focused on other opportunities but adding job hunting to my already crazy corporate world has taken a big toll on me.

I’ve been experiencing the emotional roller coaster of job hunting. You know, getting your hopes up after a phone interview then not hearing for 2 weeks, then finally contacting them to get an email reply that says they have found a “candidate that better fits their qualifications and has more experience.” Dagger.

Add in the fact that work has been emotionally draining, a death in the family that I cannot be there for because flights cost an arm, a leg, some DNA, hair extensions, and feeling friendless, I’m pretty much one post away from pulling a coach and quitting on the spot (but I know I’d never have the guts to do it).

The most recent work drama actually occurred at a happy hour. I was catching up with a coworker and coach (whom I haven’t seen since she quit). It started out as normal girl talk and drinks until my coworker said “Oh I meant to tell you somethings about work…”

Long story short, basically people at work have been questioning what I do all day, why I’m at the company, why the company has spent thousands of dollars on video and Mac equipment and I’ve only made 2 videos, complaining of me being quiet during meetings, why I ask for help (from IT) when I’m supposed to be some expert know-it-all fresh from college and I should know how to do those things, etc.

Needless to say it was not the happiest of hours. I was hurt, angry, discouraged, disappointed, broken, and needed a massive refill of my margarita. Hearing my good friend say these things that people who do not even know me have said, really solidified the fact that I do not fit in with my current company. Clearly other people do not have guts to tell people things to their face but have really big opinions. I can break down each of these complaints and pose an argument…

1. What do I do all day? Honestly, any tasks that Ursula has given me has been completed. However, I find myself a lot of the time looking for things to keep myself busy because Ursula does not give me tasks everyday. She also has not provided guidance to me since I’ve started so taking my own initiative in an industry and company that I know nothing about is what I’ve been doing. I am fully prepared to give anyone a list of tasks I’ve done in the past, such as the newsletter, social media management, flyers and brochures, birthday cards, and more.

2. I want direction. I’ve had a video marketing proposal done since October that no one has seen before because it, along with our marketing proposal, never happened. I have ideas for videos but I need direction and collaboration. This is supposed to be a team effort, not just me so that my friend, is why there have been only 2 videos. So until we starting collaborating, the video equipment and my proposal will probably remain still.

3. People have said I’m too quiet and do not say a thing in meetings, which I have talked about in previous posts because I was upset about this fact. But, yes that is true, I am quiet during meetings because I have no idea what they are talking about. If I was included on emails prior to the meeting, I would be more involved. I am quiet because I am trying to learn about whatever the subject that they are speaking of and have failed to inform me on. My quietness is not defiance, it is listening, try it.

4.  I never came into the job saying “I was a video expert” or “I am a know-it-all.” I just graduated college, I am an expert beer bonger and hangover healer. You assumed that I was an expert at these new media aspects because Ursula does not know how to do any of them. I came in with the attitude that I want to learn as much as I can so when you want to teach me, please do so because I will be ready to listen. I think these complainers have been listening to Ursula talk behind my back and giving people false impressions of me.

5. One of the IT (yes Information Technology) guys has been complaining about why I ask him for help. I ask him for help when it comes to editing photographs and signatures. I do not have Photoshop on my computer, despite my attempts to get it, so I cannot edit photographs. I do not know how one edits signatures but I am willing to learn so please sensei teach me before you complain about me.

I apologize for the vent and slightly bitchy tone of voice but I cannot stand having my work ethic questioned by 1. people who do not know the situation 2. people who do not know me (yes that’s my inner Bon Qui Qui) 3. people who have no idea what they are talking about. I should not have to come into work wondering who is watching me or having justify myself to everyone.

I feel like work is this mind game where I am being watched and have to read people’s minds to find out what the right thing to do is. I already feel like I can’t be myself, now I can never do any thing right because I’m constantly being beat down. Let’s just say my “Can’t keep me down” playlist has been playing on repeat. Also, I really should make a “Stay positive” drinking game because if I took a shot every time someone told me to do that, I’m be drunk all the time.

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