What do you do all day?

That same question has angered, overwhelmed, confused, and upset me, all at the same time. I haven’t written in a long time because I’ve been focused on other opportunities but adding job hunting to my already crazy corporate world has taken a big toll on me.

I’ve been experiencing the emotional roller coaster of job hunting. You know, getting your hopes up after a phone interview then not hearing for 2 weeks, then finally contacting them to get an email reply that says they have found a “candidate that better fits their qualifications and has more experience.” Dagger.

Add in the fact that work has been emotionally draining, a death in the family that I cannot be there for because flights cost an arm, a leg, some DNA, hair extensions, and feeling friendless, I’m pretty much one post away from pulling a coach and quitting on the spot (but I know I’d never have the guts to do it).

The most recent work drama actually occurred at a happy hour. I was catching up with a coworker and coach (whom I haven’t seen since she quit). It started out as normal girl talk and drinks until my coworker said “Oh I meant to tell you somethings about work…”

Long story short, basically people at work have been questioning what I do all day, why I’m at the company, why the company has spent thousands of dollars on video and Mac equipment and I’ve only made 2 videos, complaining of me being quiet during meetings, why I ask for help (from IT) when I’m supposed to be some expert know-it-all fresh from college and I should know how to do those things, etc.

Needless to say it was not the happiest of hours. I was hurt, angry, discouraged, disappointed, broken, and needed a massive refill of my margarita. Hearing my good friend say these things that people who do not even know me have said, really solidified the fact that I do not fit in with my current company. Clearly other people do not have guts to tell people things to their face but have really big opinions. I can break down each of these complaints and pose an argument…

1. What do I do all day? Honestly, any tasks that Ursula has given me has been completed. However, I find myself a lot of the time looking for things to keep myself busy because Ursula does not give me tasks everyday. She also has not provided guidance to me since I’ve started so taking my own initiative in an industry and company that I know nothing about is what I’ve been doing. I am fully prepared to give anyone a list of tasks I’ve done in the past, such as the newsletter, social media management, flyers and brochures, birthday cards, and more.

2. I want direction. I’ve had a video marketing proposal done since October that no one has seen before because it, along with our marketing proposal, never happened. I have ideas for videos but I need direction and collaboration. This is supposed to be a team effort, not just me so that my friend, is why there have been only 2 videos. So until we starting collaborating, the video equipment and my proposal will probably remain still.

3. People have said I’m too quiet and do not say a thing in meetings, which I have talked about in previous posts because I was upset about this fact. But, yes that is true, I am quiet during meetings because I have no idea what they are talking about. If I was included on emails prior to the meeting, I would be more involved. I am quiet because I am trying to learn about whatever the subject that they are speaking of and have failed to inform me on. My quietness is not defiance, it is listening, try it.

4.  I never came into the job saying “I was a video expert” or “I am a know-it-all.” I just graduated college, I am an expert beer bonger and hangover healer. You assumed that I was an expert at these new media aspects because Ursula does not know how to do any of them. I came in with the attitude that I want to learn as much as I can so when you want to teach me, please do so because I will be ready to listen. I think these complainers have been listening to Ursula talk behind my back and giving people false impressions of me.

5. One of the IT (yes Information Technology) guys has been complaining about why I ask him for help. I ask him for help when it comes to editing photographs and signatures. I do not have Photoshop on my computer, despite my attempts to get it, so I cannot edit photographs. I do not know how one edits signatures but I am willing to learn so please sensei teach me before you complain about me.

I apologize for the vent and slightly bitchy tone of voice but I cannot stand having my work ethic questioned by 1. people who do not know the situation 2. people who do not know me (yes that’s my inner Bon Qui Qui) 3. people who have no idea what they are talking about. I should not have to come into work wondering who is watching me or having justify myself to everyone.

I feel like work is this mind game where I am being watched and have to read people’s minds to find out what the right thing to do is. I already feel like I can’t be myself, now I can never do any thing right because I’m constantly being beat down. Let’s just say my “Can’t keep me down” playlist has been playing on repeat. Also, I really should make a “Stay positive” drinking game because if I took a shot every time someone told me to do that, I’m be drunk all the time.

Exclusion, emotions, and empowerment

According to Dictionary.Reference.com, the definition of “team” is,

Team n. 1. a group of people organized to work together. 
 
I feel like I need to plaster this definition all over Ursula’s desk. You know today was the usual; another meeting, another way to exclude me, another hour of me looking like a muted dumbass. I was, once again, excluded from a marketing meeting per Ursula. Let me explain (as I listen to “Titanium” on repeat.)
 
So Ursula scheduled our marketing meeting and put an agenda in the meeting request. Too bad we didn’t discuss anything on it. We, or should I say her and our sales manager, discussed a part of our biggest campaign of this year (Why choose our company), that I knew nothing about. Literally they had emails, PowerPoints, folders and presentations of information about this topic and this was the first I had ever heard of any it.
 
“I’m criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up”
 
You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach and your stomach just keep sinking as your eyes swell up with tears, yup that’s how I felt. Ursula wouldn’t even look at me during the meeting. I wanted to just get up and ask WHY AM I HERE? How are we supposed to be a “team” if you won’t tell me about anything that is going on?
 
“I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim”
 
As I left working crying (I know completely embarrassing), I felt defeated and broken. My evening got worse after work but that’s a different story. I talked to my parentals and my dad said “play their game.” What the hell kind of game are we playing? Game of Thrones? Chess? I have no clue because I’m a recent college grad and the only games we played were beer pong, flip cup, and slap the bag.
 
“Stone-hard, machine gun
Fired at the ones who run
Stone-hard as bulletproof glass”
 
After talking with them and some much needed girl time (and wishing I was playing flip cup with my college friends because I could actually win that game), I felt better, still down but better then before. I felt support and encouragement. Just because I am a positive and upbeat person, and fresh out of college does not mean I can be treated like I’m nothing or worthless. I should not be leaving work crying.
 
“Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I’m talking loud not saying much”
 
I decided that Ursula won’t win. She won’t win because she will always be where she is today. I, on the other hand,  have so much more to look forward to and so much to be positive about that she cannot bring me down. I will listen to “Titanium” as many times as I want to and feel empowered. But in the end, I am titanium because I will be moving on and she will remaining the same. You’ll miss me when I’m gone. 
 
“Cut me down
But it’s you who’ll have further to fall”
 
I hope I feel this motivated and empowered after the Color Run this weekend…